Hey everyone, Copper D.W. here.
The past couple of months, in particular, days, have been pretty rough. (Let’s just say that life has never really been kind to me in the romance department.) Either way, last night was hard, but I’m over it now. I tell myself I’m over it now and to be honest that is not actually a lie. I guess I’m lucky in this kind of way because I have the tendency to think… a lot of what ifs and possibilities, but once I am sure that what I’m thinking will never happen, I move on pretty quickly.
I don’t know about you but, if something doesn’t work out I try not to dwell on it too long. The key word is ‘try.’ Of course I can’t say that I haven’t laid in bed regretting things that I’ve done 7 years ago, but lately, I’ve been more aware of my choices and the repercussions that involve them.
I know for a lot of people (including myself) change is hard, rejection is worse, but if I had learned anything in life on this planet, if you dwell on sh*t (sorry excuse the language) you feel like it.
I’m not trying to say to put all your emotions on the back burner and let everything boil and simmer while you’re too busy with other people’s problems because trust me, been there done that and it’s no picnic. It’s okay to cry and let things out because no one can ever hold that much in.
So what I’m trying to get at is that yesterday I was talking on Facebook (come find me and like my page Merakiwritingblog) and I was chatting to another good friend of mine and something struck me. Ok besides the fact that I was way too tired and crying because I felt like my life was a mess (which I’m not technically wrong) it was interesting to me what how he handled my… awkwardness.
Ok so know I may be not making sense, but please trust me, I’m going somewhere with this.
But first a backstory! (I know, I’m sorry, I’ll make it short.) I am literally all of my friend’s therapists, it’s kind of a role which I can’t decide if I like or want none of it. Either way, I always come up with big inspirational writings about my friends and why they shouldn’t give up, that there an amazing person and so forth whenever they come to me for a chat. They always were super appreciative and offer to return the favour, but it seemed that whenever I want to cash in the offer, somehow I always feel worse going out than coming in.
Ok back to the story.
So I was chatting with my friend through FB and I started talking to him about my concerns, how I felt and life in general, and I wasn’t crying (yet). We continued to talk and then he wrote something and I started balling. (Ok just to make this clear 97% of the time I am not like this, but some days just get the better of you.) The reason why I broke out in tears was because he wrote me something that I have literally tell other people all the time. (I even did an essay on the topic during school!)
This is what he said: (we were talking about feeling alone)
“First of all, you don’t have to be alone at the end of the day. not really. you have the people who care for you. and if you let them, they can be with you wherever you are. even if you just think of a happy memory you had with them. they are there in that moment. and you are there with them.”
We then talked for a long, long, long time. Yea. It was long but it was worth it.
And that is when I realized something. Something that I am so glad that I have been able to take out of this experience.
I have been literally serving other people all of my life. I have been giving people advice time and time again and again, giving lots and receiving next to nothing. I realized that I need something real, something tangible, something not from my mind, or head or spirit.
I realized that I just needed to hear someone else to say it. Someone who was not me. Someone to tell me, to talk me through the mess that this is real, and not just in my head.
And I realized that I just needed someone to talk to me, treat me the same way as I treat everyone else. Talk about something that is important to me and to articulate it through words, through art, through reality.
I’m an over thinker. If you didn’t say it I will 9.9 times out of 10 assume something. If it’s right or wrong who knows, but that guess work drives me bananas. I’m constantly thinking and I go a little stir crazy when I can’t figure something out. I get painful migraines from stress and you guessed it overthinking, but what I’m trying to say is that when you live so much in your head you start to question what is and what isn’t.
I just needed someone to tell me what I tell everyone else I talk to, to be straight forward and be Real, Authentic, Vulnerable, and Articulative. Just taking the guess work out of it completely and telling me what I needed to hear, not just gibberish that they wanted to say.
The thing is, is that generally things that you think to yourself, you rarely have the motivation to actually do it. Like if I want to go get a gym membership and be like ‘I’m going to go to the gym and be fit’ only to realize that when you actually want to go out and buy that membership you decide an investment in a smaller less pricey jumbo bag of chips will suffice. So what you tell yourself is your true intentions but it never really plays out the way it really should. Now when you have someone else telling you this (and I don’t really think your family members count, because no matter how many times I think I should do the dishes, and then not do them, having my mom telling me to do the dishes doesn’t make me want to do the dishes more) let’s call it external motivation and you are on a mutual friendship and respect level you actually are more prone to taking the advice. (this is not scientifically proven as far as I am aware so do not quote me on that.)
So basically what I’m trying to get at (I’m not sure how successfully) is that sometimes you need to take a step back, and I’m not trying to say get another perspective on your situation because, more thinking? Let’s try to be kind on ourselves. But try to find something real. Something tangible and ride on that wave until the wave disperses into the ocean.
I know that not everyone (and most likely very few) can find people who can give them what they need to talk about, need to hear, see or do, but if you can hold onto something real, and just ride the wave, I promise you, you will eventually find someone who will be willing to surf the wave and make you feel good about doing it. Someone from a friend to a co-worker to a partner, really it’s whatever works for you.
Life isn’t a game because it’s either do or die. But if it was a game, you’d be winning because you’re still alive.
You have a lot more EXP to get so don’t give up now and the future will always be brighter than the past, you just have to, in the present, take a deep breath, learn, enjoy and hold on to reality.
Hold onto something tangible and surf that wave.