Loving but Not Wanting To

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When rain falls I am happy. It’s mother nature giving her children a drink of life. When the earth cracks I am sad. For mother nature is depriving children from their growth.

Have you ever been in a situation where you’ve wanted something so badly but when you finally got it, you didn’t want it anymore? Well, that is me when it comes to love.

Ever since I was a young a child I had and still have trust issues. All I ever wanted was to be loved, and though it was evident that my family loved me I wanted a different kind of love. The only problem whenever I did start to fall for someone I, immediately withdrew myself from the situation. I feel like this is a common issue with a lot of people who have confidence and self worth issues, where when they get into a situation where they and their possible girlfriend/boyfriend treat them with the respect that they deserve, the more self-conscious individual withdraws from the possible relationship due to the fact that they don’t deem themselves as worthy. I am one of these people, and in most cases, you are too. I have actually ended relationships due to this reason.

I have found that what is common in dating, in a well off relationship one of the partners would disengage, thinking that they are no longer suitable and their partner deserves better. In some cases, this decision may be totally valid, but from what I have seen is that in most cases the partner has chosen to stay with you for a reason, and if he/she really wanted to be with someone ‘better’ they would have left a while ago.

This information is all good and dandy, and in text and verbal communication it is easy to recognize with a clear and sensible mind, but for many of us (myself included) when the arrow points in your direction it’s a completely different story. Most self-conscious people are aware of what they do and don’t do and spend endless hours trying to figure out if this denial, of others giving love is normal (which it is). I know for a fact that everyone wants to be loved, but people just deal with this situation differently depending on several internal and external factors. I also know that there is someone waiting for you and sometimes you have to love yourself a little. This will honestly help you allow yourself to be loved.

Now setting what I said aside, I am currently in a position where my heart has decided that I really like a close friend of mine, but mentally I am trying to convince myself otherwise. I don’t think in my own  personal experience I have mentally fought myself so much about, trying to convince my heart otherwise.

I’m not sure if this situation only applies to me (which I doubt highly) but I have constantly been put in situations (situations of my own choosing) where I have fallen for someone, experiencing the love, something that I’ve always wanted, only to mentally decide that ‘you know what heart I’m going to convince that you don’t like this person, and I’m going to fight you to until you don’t like them anymore’. Why? You may ask, am I doing this to myself? In short I honestly have no idea, I’ve always been this way, psyching myself out over nothing or not allowing myself to let loose and just be, and I can really only speculate that it is emotional trauma of some sorts being a protective mechanism, where ‘you can’t get hurt if you don’t put yourself out there’, but this can also be directly linked to self-worth, confidence and trust issues. The only thought I have is that I wonder how  this love, deemed (mentally) a prohibited emotion will affect me in the long run.

Still, however, all in all, this is just one of the many things I have to work on, being human and everything and I wouldn’t be surprised if you may be in a similar / same boat. Please comment and share your story or thoughts below, and I wish you the best on this fine winter night.

Love yourself, love others, embrace your flaws.

Sincerely,

Sonja P.

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