My Mind; Fear

“My Mind; Fear” By Sonja P. (a.k.a. Copper D.W.)

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I’m sacred.

I swear I am terrified.

You know what I mean right?

I just can’t control myself sometimes.

I’m terrified that I’m going to wake up one morning that I won’t be able to control anything!

Nothing!

I won’t be able to control my emotion, my words, my thoughts and my intuitiveness.

 

I’m afraid.

I’m afraid that one day I will wake up and finally decide to be myself.

Finally to expose my bare skin and bones to the world, to my loved ones and I’ll be seen as a joke.

They’d just look at me if I’m insane.

They’d bring me to another 12 years of therapy and I could go on and on about this is what I always wanted ever since I was a kid and they’d just look at me.

“I live in my head too much.”

They’ll say “An overactive imagination.”

Then I’ll go on and on about always hearing voices before I go to bed, of seeing shadows and auras around people, of knowing things with no understanding why, of seeing images flash before my eyes when I’m looking for something, of really every weird and freaky experience that I’ve had ever and I have come to accept this as a gift, not an illness.

“You’re only 17,” they’ll tell me “you don’t know what you want. You don’t know enough about anything yet.”

And then I’ll feel alone.

Really alone.

I already feel alone when I pretend that I’m normal when I am most definitely not.

If I already feel alone when they don’t know, just imagine what I would feel like when I show them the real me.

I’ve been on those psychic websites, found some really nice people, asked for readings for help in whatever way they could, but because I was a minor and it was against the law their hands were tied.

I’ve spent all my life wondering what the hell was wrong with me?

Been on meds ever since I was 4 and still am on them.

I’m insane I’d tell myself.

No one believes me and even if they do, they’d either prescribe more medication, send me to a new therapist or they have nothing to say to try to help me.

Where’s my psychic guru who has all the answers for me?

You always see those tv psychics saying that they had a mentor at a young age.

I have always been able to help others but no one has really been able to help me.

Sometimes I feel like I’m made to understand and not to be understood.

But when I tell them.

If I ever tell them.

If it ever slips.

Something I should have only thought becomes spoken, what will I do?

I’m afraid.

I am afraid of the unknown.

The unknown of my own reality.

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