Who am I?

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“Who am I?” That question is a pretty common one, especially in teenage years. We all have gone through, will go through and may even be going through it right now. We all have some kinds of questions from little to big that we want answered and we want to know. From being adopted and wondering why did our parents leave us in the first place to why am I not as smart as my friends? We all just want to know. Indeed, we all just want to fit in.

The reason why I titled this post ‘The Tip of the Iceberg: Who am I?’ is because we all want to know who we are and where we fit into the world. That is part of our identity crisis. I know people, even old friends that have tried to find themselves, discover who they are, while trying to fit in, to be one of many. Truth is, is that being yourself and trying to fit in at the same time poses challenges. Many challenges.

I really like the iceberg model, because generally on the surface all icebergs look similar. Being white, ice and they float. On the surface, there is little depth to them. They are all the same. But are they? Of course, you’ll be saying “no” as a teacher would be as a kindergarten class silently waits for the obvious answer to a question, but it’s true. Beneath the surface there is depth. Lot’s of depth. There is a secret world, a secret garden that only few can and have explored. People are no different. When we want to fit in, we make ourselves similar or the same to what we think we should be. What society thinks we should be. But even if we looked the same, talked the same, be the same, we can’t. We have all had experiences that are unique to ourselves, and by only developing the surface so much is lost and forgotten beneath.

There is so much more going on than we let on. Some people you could ask how they are doing, and they would grin and say fine (though their day was awful) while others would start bawling about how awful their day ways. Sometimes we do both, there is no right or wrong way to do it. The point of this excerpt is to explain the complexity of people. We are complex. We are people. No two people are the same (unless they’re like twins or something) but even so, no two people are exactly the same. We all have experienced life differently and in ways that are sometimes not comprehensible by others.

We are unique. So does it make sense that we all want to be like everyone else when we are all so unique? In a way yes, it does because that is something subconsciously programmed into us from a young age, but no as well. We all want to fit in, but we all want to be different, and that is, I think the best way to get by. Because you need to stay true to yourself too, you’re under the surface iceberg self, but you need to discover yourself at your own pace. So yes, if fitting in makes you comfortable now, then good I’m happy for you. But try to remember that you can be who you are and be unique and fit in, you just need to find the right balance, because in the end, it is you who answers the question ‘Who am I?’, just try not to lose yourself in the process. And try to remember that it is a who am ‘I’ question and not who are ‘we’.

Be who you are and nothing less.

Sincerely

Sonja P.

Loving but Not Wanting To

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When rain falls I am happy. It’s mother nature giving her children a drink of life. When the earth cracks I am sad. For mother nature is depriving children from their growth.

Have you ever been in a situation where you’ve wanted something so badly but when you finally got it, you didn’t want it anymore? Well, that is me when it comes to love.

Ever since I was a young a child I had and still have trust issues. All I ever wanted was to be loved, and though it was evident that my family loved me I wanted a different kind of love. The only problem whenever I did start to fall for someone I, immediately withdrew myself from the situation. I feel like this is a common issue with a lot of people who have confidence and self worth issues, where when they get into a situation where they and their possible girlfriend/boyfriend treat them with the respect that they deserve, the more self-conscious individual withdraws from the possible relationship due to the fact that they don’t deem themselves as worthy. I am one of these people, and in most cases, you are too. I have actually ended relationships due to this reason.

I have found that what is common in dating, in a well off relationship one of the partners would disengage, thinking that they are no longer suitable and their partner deserves better. In some cases, this decision may be totally valid, but from what I have seen is that in most cases the partner has chosen to stay with you for a reason, and if he/she really wanted to be with someone ‘better’ they would have left a while ago.

This information is all good and dandy, and in text and verbal communication it is easy to recognize with a clear and sensible mind, but for many of us (myself included) when the arrow points in your direction it’s a completely different story. Most self-conscious people are aware of what they do and don’t do and spend endless hours trying to figure out if this denial, of others giving love is normal (which it is). I know for a fact that everyone wants to be loved, but people just deal with this situation differently depending on several internal and external factors. I also know that there is someone waiting for you and sometimes you have to love yourself a little. This will honestly help you allow yourself to be loved.

Now setting what I said aside, I am currently in a position where my heart has decided that I really like a close friend of mine, but mentally I am trying to convince myself otherwise. I don’t think in my own  personal experience I have mentally fought myself so much about, trying to convince my heart otherwise.

I’m not sure if this situation only applies to me (which I doubt highly) but I have constantly been put in situations (situations of my own choosing) where I have fallen for someone, experiencing the love, something that I’ve always wanted, only to mentally decide that ‘you know what heart I’m going to convince that you don’t like this person, and I’m going to fight you to until you don’t like them anymore’. Why? You may ask, am I doing this to myself? In short I honestly have no idea, I’ve always been this way, psyching myself out over nothing or not allowing myself to let loose and just be, and I can really only speculate that it is emotional trauma of some sorts being a protective mechanism, where ‘you can’t get hurt if you don’t put yourself out there’, but this can also be directly linked to self-worth, confidence and trust issues. The only thought I have is that I wonder how  this love, deemed (mentally) a prohibited emotion will affect me in the long run.

Still, however, all in all, this is just one of the many things I have to work on, being human and everything and I wouldn’t be surprised if you may be in a similar / same boat. Please comment and share your story or thoughts below, and I wish you the best on this fine winter night.

Love yourself, love others, embrace your flaws.

Sincerely,

Sonja P.

The Spectrum; Using a Tired Pigeon Analogy (ish)

Hey Everyone, Copper D.W. here,

I once read a funny quote which is anonymous (please correct me if I am wrong) and it is written below. It says “I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted Pigeon.” -Anonymous. I found this hilarious because on one hand, I think it is personally very funny, it’s very true and to be honest, I was really tired when I read it. (It’s like when you’re tired and you think everything is funny).

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Either way, I’m posting this today because I wanted to give a special shout out to my fellow exhausted pigeons, because if you’re anything like me or even similar, you could go to bed at 4am and wake up at 6am, or go to bed a 9 and wake up at 1pm, and you’re just always, always Tired! Ah, the inevitable fatigue.

What I’m trying to get at is that I want people to know that it’s okay they don’t fit into the ‘Morning Person’ or ‘Night Owl’ category. Thinking in terms of categories, sometimes (actually quite often) people don’t fit into the two laid out categories that they are expected to follow. What people cease to understand is that there is never a clear black or white and that there is always that grey area in-between, because in reality everything, every decision that you make, every thought, choice and so forth is all on a spectrum.

You see in the society we live in we are expected to be either one way or another. I remember when I was little I would always get into arguments with my friends because they always assumed that because I didn’t necessarily agree with what they said it meant I was against them. “Are you against us, or with us?” I remember one of my childhood friends say, and this is when I learned that even though I agreed with both parties, I had to pick a side.

I personally think that, like I said everything is really a spectrum because you can agree with some elements of some argument, and disagree with others, and you aren’t really against or for what they’re advocating. We have created a society in which we cannot be as open minded as many advocate because if you can’t decide on what you agree or disagree with wholeheartedly you are being indecisive but if you do have strong opinions your pig-headed.

Still overall, I do realize that decisions need to be made, and in most cases it’s either yes or no for we have to live our lives, but the conception of against or for, being either a morning bird or a night owl, is not quite as evident as many political leaders would like you to believe.

The ideals of one person is not necessarily the ideal of your own, but you need to decide, and weigh what has more importance to you, and weigh the spectrum, for there is never a concrete yes or no, in reality, you can really only rely on the maybe.

And remember in the system we have today, the assumption of yes and no, you don’t have to shove yourself in a category if you feel you don’t fit in. Worse comes to worse create your own category, and just keep an open mind and be accepting. That’s all you can really ask for, and I’m positive that over time you will have some lovely tired pigeons that all understand each other!

Let the Tired Pigeons unite, and let the people understand that the spectrum is my own personal opinion, and you are free to believe in whatever you desire.

Awesome Sox,

Copper D.W.

Getting Letters… from the Right People

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Hey Everyone, Copper D.W. here!

This past week has been pretty huge for me, I am graduating from school and I just had my last full day. It’s pretty insane to think four years of your life and POOF, they’re gone!

Either way as a final goodbye, the graduating class in our department went out for a banquet and we got letters from our other class members, and it was pretty great. I danced for the first time, since forever and I was having a blast. The thing is, is that the night it didn’t start out that way. Still, I was lucky enough to take a lesson from the experience.

So we started off with a regular banquet. We are food, listened to some loud music and then we started hearing speeches and our letters from our fellow peers, with the first round of gifts from the students a year younger than us.

Well, I was all excited, it’s always nice to have nice things said about yourself. I don’t mean to sound conceded but it is true that a compliment makes your day. So I was pretty pumped. The only thing is that once I got my letter and gift and it was a very, short and sweet message. Somewhat generic, nothing really personal, but I thought it was nice, a spelling error in the 30 words, but I still thought it was sweet. That was until I saw what my friends got… It was like a 1 1/2 of a page, full of personal comments and recognition of what they had done for them and the program.

I always try to advocate positivity and to not compare, yet there are always those situations that hit you at the moment, and this was one of those moments. To be honest I felt pretty upset, more so out of self-pity, but still, it happened nonetheless.

This was the down of the party. I wanted to leave. I started to overthink (something plagued by a lot of people) and I just wanted to go home. I debated leaving but decided to stay a bit longer. I then got my letters from my classmates. A good handful and that made me feel better, to only starting to read my first message, it was so sweet, until I realized that this letter was not addressed to me and that I was given to me by accident.

Oops, I guess.

Either way, I kept reading the messages, and though some were sweet, most of them were very generic. I kept reading through them, and progressively, they got better and better. I then reached a message with no name of who it belonged to and I almost started to cry. (I later found out who wrote it, it was a nice hug.)

Still, as the night went on, I felt like I was really just getting, not much out of the dinner and the dance started and again I contemplated going home. I am not a party/dancy person and I was sitting at my table alone, looking through my letters. It was not until one of my good friends, who was a year younger than I was decided to write each other letters personally, and she wrote me a beautiful and wonderful letter. I was overwhelmed with love and compassion and that’s when something clicked.

That night I learned that, yes I may not be the most popular. Yes, I am not the most academically inclined. I am not, the best in my art. I am not loved by everyone, but that the few people that do love me, they really do love me.

Being a kind of person who sometimes is a bit of a weirdo, I normally get very strange looks from my classmates and I got to use to it because my dear friends treasured my inner soul. I find it almost as an amazing epiphany the other day because, I realized that yes, I have a small group of friends, and I’m not known by everyone, but it is these people you need to treasure.

I learned that yes, letters are wonderful, compliments are great, but if they’re not given to you by people you care about, they aren’t worth much.

I learned that you may not be loved by everyone but you are treasured by the few weird birds that you have come to call your friends. (And yes, real people, not the actual pigeon, but I have many pigeon friends as well :P)

So in conclusion, don’t go looking for approval from a group of people that don’t know you, because they might like you which is great, but if they don’t, then that’s a real confidence buster. But if you just talk to your friends, people you care about, their love and compassion, even if it’s less in numbers, is more powerful than a million’s strangers telling you you’re beautiful.

Sincerely,

Copper D.W.

An Open Letter to the Victim of my Stupidity

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Gossip dies when it hits a wise man’s ears – Unknown

Hey Everyone Copper D.W. here!

Ok, so today’s post is on rumors, and how my stupidity of allowing them to take hold has become a ticket to unnecessary drama and total anxiety.

So I assume you have at least once been involved in a situation where a rumor is said either by you or another and someone else hears it, or have been somehow affected by a rumor in some kind of way.

I am human. I make mistakes, and sadly my inability to choose the correct people to talk to has made my life more complicated than needed be. I made a mistake in trusting someone with information only to have this person, on a personal angry rant tell the others parts of what I had said in an incomplete and out of context explanation. This letter is for the victim of my stupidity and, I am sure that most of you can relate.

 

Dear Victim of my Stupidity,

I apologize deeply of what you have heard and the way that the information has come to you. I have never had any sense of regret this year, for I take my decisions I make with pride, but I must say that I deeply regret how things came to be. You are my best friend and I know we have recently struggled, but I assure you that what I said was not out of spite or anger.

I am an idiot to talk to someone about issues that I have not yet understood how they function, and it is in my naive nature to understand that not everyone has the same morals as I do. I am deeply sorry about what you heard and how you came about to hear it, I take that as a fault of my own, and regret it.

Like I would not share any of your personal information, I will not share her’s even though she seemed to have little hardships when it came to revealing my own. I am a proud woman and stick to my morals and integrity in all diversity and I am sticking to my word and that is it. I am telling you this for I know there is probably gaps that are missing in your understanding of what is going on, but personally, I must respect the boundaries given to me even though the strict boundaries by my colleague has gone unheard.

I wish to let you know that I am terribly sorry and that the information that was given to you was either false of with a negative connotation that I wished not to bring up in that sort of manner. I indeed was going to try to talk to you the very next day to clear up some personal discrepancies and I am terribly sorry that the news came to you from another’s mouth, or more so via electronics vs my own.

I am sorry and want you to know that I have nothing against you, and what you heard was out of context or false in ways that I hope to later today clear up. I apologize for naiveness and what I assume was a rude awakening on my part.

I am sure to learn from my mistakes, yet I hope that our friendship can make it through intact during this mistake I brought upon myself. I am terribly sorry how things came to be and though I can not undo the past, I can only hope to fix the future. For what is said is said, what is done can’t be helped but it is what you do afterwards that determines the outcome.

Sincerely

Copper D.W.

I Know

Life Doesn’t Discriminate

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Hey Copper D.W. here,

So I had an interesting thought the other day and I thought you may want to hear about it. I remember a long while aback someone told me that “The thing that makes human kind more superior is not our mental prowess but our understanding that we will eventually die. Humans are the only animal that knows that they are going to eventually die.”

I found this thought quite interesting, because though, I don’t necessarily agree that we are the only species that has an understanding of death, it is interesting to ponder on this idea.

Just the other day I was lying in bed (overthinking in bed, again) and I was thinking about life and death. I have been really into the Broadway Musical Hamilton and I listen to the entire soundtrack over and over again, being on repeat for weeks since my friend introduced it to me. There is a line, well more of a song lyric from Hamilton, the song being ‘Wait for It,’ and the lyrics had got the hamster wheel spinning again, but the lyrics I am most particularly referring to go something like this:

 

Life doesn’t discriminate,

It takes the Sinners and the Saints,

It takes, and it takes and it takes,

Yet we keep living anyways,

We laugh and we fall and we break and we make out mistakes

And if there’s a reason I’m still alive and all those around me have died,

I’m going to wait for it.

This song, ‘Wait for It’ in Hamilton is such an interesting piece, for in the musical there is this conscience knowing that the main character, Alexander Hamilton will die, yet the story is told anyways, and even a little bit after through his legacy. I find that these ideas, both the song and the quote that someone told me, tie nicely together. I don’t want to dwell on death in itself, the fear of dying or really things like that, but what I do want to focus on is that we do know that eventually, we will die. All the living things around us will die. Everything will eventually die. And I’m not saying that animals don’t have this ability of comprehension for I really have no evidence to prove otherwise, but I do know that humans know this. This is what counts.

I think our knowledge of death, can both make and break us. It can send us in a worried or worse state of fear and anxiety, or it can be something that will push us to make every day count. Of course there is Aways an in-between, a middle ground to say the least but still. This knowledge that death will come to all of us, is a scary thought, but I know many people who have been terminally ill who never take a day for granted for they know that this day may be their last.

I just learned my mother’s good friend has cancer. She was a young mother, healthy, fit, and would put up lemonade stands on her lawn to raise money for cancer. She really was a giver and did her best to do her share in the community. She now has cancer. I used to wonder, “Why do bad things always seem to happen to good people?” and then I realized, these kinds of things happen to everyone, at random. Like in the Lyrics of ‘Wait for It,’ “Life doesn’t discriminate it takes the Sinners and the Saints,” and this is so unbelievable true. There is no discrimination when it comes to things in life you can’t control, be it genes, illnesses, and so forth.

The thing that I find interesting, is this idea of death. Death can seem scary, a large hole of dark abyss and nothingness, but I personally think that it is our awareness of death that makes us want to enjoy life at every moment. If animals truly don’t know they are going to die, they always live life in the moment and enjoy it. As humans who our biggest problems these days are overthinking, maybe this is natures way of having a ‘reset’ button, a ‘reality check’ button, which can bring our heads back down to the Earth to tell us, ‘Just enjoy the moment, for anyway could be your last.’

 

Sincerely

Copper D.W.